As a person with sensitivity, a blogger, and also a human, I receive much opinions and feedback from others. Some are very nice, honest, deep and some seem like personal attacks. Well in life, the reality is there are just some people who have their own issues and instead of dealing with them, they like to hurl attacks on others. They think that by giving pain to others, they rid themselves of their own pain, but to the contrary it does not. They actually ‘enjoy’ being not nice and hurting others purposely. I guess that is their space at the moment. It would be ok if they stay in their own space, but it’s when they come to yours you have to deal with it.
So other people’s behaviour should not disturb our goals, passion and equilibrium. We can refuse their negativities in this way:
1. What is the truth?
Contemplate what was said about you. Even if unpleasant. Is it constructive? Is there any grain of truth in what they said. Ignore how they said it. Be honest and think about whatthey said. In the end, if you apply it, will it benefit you? If it will, turn it around and make changes in yourself instead of fighting their words and them. If you make the changes within yourself, then no more attacks of this nature. If their words were meant to hurt you and it has no truth in it, then take it as self improvement and move on. Realize they are who they are and you don’t have to feed into it. Criticism from positive and negative sources can be fuel for self reflection leading to improvement. Take it as that. Nothing in life is easy or idyllic.
2. The source.
Does this person deserve to be understood and your time? Are they jealous of you? Cannot accept your success? Cannot accept your kind disposition? Does not like the way you do things? What is the source of their hurtful words? Take a moment to assess why this person is doing what they are doing. You can’t psycho-analyze everyone but this one is on your front doorstep. If you can understand why this person is so negative towards you, it will help you to let go. Maybe they had been hurt or something really horrible happened in their lives and took it out on you from convenience. Maybe it was not about you. Maybe you triggered their hidden emotional baggage accidentally. Maybe you had offended them unknowingly and apology is due. Maybe their philosophy is different, but you are entitled to your own. Knowing why helps. If you cannot find out why, then move on.
3. Accept yourself and be better.
Whatever we think of ourselves will become expression (words, etc.). Words become action. Action become results. So our thoughts about ourselves are a priority. If we always say we cannot, could not and/or avoid, then that is the message we send to ourselves which will fruition into results or the lack of it. Which means we are nowhere or we limited ourselves. If we always have self esteem that is low, then work hard, get success, stand up straight, don’t take defeat and through these methods build our self esteem. Self esteem is built from hard work and success. Big successes come from small everyday successes. Be on time. Keep your promises. Do your work without mistakes. Make everyone around you happy. Build integrity at all costs. Be kind. These methods will make you feel good about yourself and when you feel good then when others criticize to hurt you, it has no effect. Because you know it’s not true. Love yourself by achieving. Start with I can, will and achieve. This will translate into words, action then results. Be kind to yourself and love yourself the right way by results then insults become empty words that hardly ever irk you. You know where you are now, don’t be angry and realize it can improve. Accepting yourself doesn’t mean being stagnant. Know where you are, and target where you want to be and move towards it.
4. Talk to your support.
If you have been kind, then you should have friends or people you go to for support. Support doesn’t mean draining them with your “poor me” stories. Pity parties are terrifically out of style and never going to be in vogue again for you. So abandon any pity party faces, body language and tactics. Easy way to let go and empty out the hurtful is with someone you like and trust. Share with them and let it out. Once it’s out, then you should be lighter. Mind you this is only part of the solution.
5. Reward yourself.
Watch a movie. I love horror. Go shopping. Read a book, do some meditation, go for a walk, eat something you like (nevermind the diet for today!), watch a good Youtube documentary, solve someone else’s problem, contribute to a charity, or just have ice cream. Be good to yourself and have fun. Let it go. Enjoy. They don’t control you. You control you. You are allowed to be happy. You don’t need their approval. Their words are about themselves projected onto you perhaps.
6. What is important?
Remember what is your goals and what is important to you. Remember what matter at the end of the day, and are you going to let some criticism derail your goals and what matters? Look at your parents, teachers, mentors, pets, friends, children, and things that matter to you. Don’t give these people who are nasty any importance at all. Give what is important importance and move on!! If you don’t move on, the nasties win!! Remember your promises and words of honour. Remember your goals.
7. Be in charge of yourself.
You know, you don’t have to accept any ‘gifts’ people give you that you don’t want. Especially if it is something that was meant to hurt you. Granted, easier said than done. When they leave the nasty package at your door and you open it, there it is and what can you do? Without your permission, people can still make you feel bad. That is the truth no matter what the old adage is. If you are carrying guilt, emotional baggage, and holding on, then when they say something close to home, it can hurt you.
So you have to go to a deeper truth. That is, you are affected because they said something close to home or something that was true that you avoided to deal with. You have to deal with yourself. You have to overcome yourself and your baggage. Because you can’t avoid what others see or think. Some may see the truth in you and some may not, but the point is,is there something in you unpleasant for them to see? You can’t avoid everyone. If you let go of your baggage, if you improve, then there is nothing to be criticized anymore. You have to empower yourself and reclaim yourself the right way. You can meet 300 persons and everyone will have an opinion of you. Some opinions may be true and some are not. But you will get 300 opinions of you. But your opinion of yourself is most important based on truth. Based on your hardwork on yourself.
Letting go of hurtful words and criticisms is possible although hard. With time, easier. Practice makes perfect. Accepting constructive criticisms are part and parcel. Let go of our baggage, fears and hiding. Open ourselves to bigger and better things. Let the radiance of wonderful people fill us up as we fill them up. If we do this, then criticisms won’t bother us much anymore.
Tsem Rinpoche
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